Lapen 2: THE NEXT ADVENTURE
by LapisDIDNOTHINGwrong101
Summary: I don't own SU. (Chapter 7 is up!) Having defeated Connie, the Minnesota Vikings and some other badguys, our lovebird heroes Lapis and Steven Universe must raise a family whilst battling threats both old and new! (Contains the same Mature Content as it's predecessor i.e. violence, language and some nudity) ENJOY! AU. (Expect Chapter 8 soon!)
1. Chapter 1: Goodbye Homeworld

A/N: Here it is everyone, the long-awaited sequel to Lapen!

**LAPEN 2**

Chapter 1: Goodbye Homeworld

Picking up where the post credit scene left off, Rebecca Sugar is freaking the fuck out.

"IT'S NOT RIGHT! IT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL! IT'S NOT FUCKING RIGHT AT ALL! WHERE'S THE SOCIAL JUSTICE?! WHERE'S THE EROTIC FUSION DANCES?! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, **WHERE THE FUCK IS STEVEN?!"** Rebecca yelled.

"Rebecca, I tried to tell you…..this isn't in canon." Said Ian.

"This seems like some nightmarish fanfic!" Said Rebecca.

"Becky…it's no fanfic….." Said Ian.

"Then what is this…..THING?" Asked Rebecca.

"It's a….. **Crack Fic.**" Explained Ian.

Upon hearing this, Rebecca erupted.

**"A CRACK FIC?! OH MY GOD! MY POOR LITTLE STEVEN! MY POOR BABY WHOM I BASED ON MY OWN BABY BROTHER! WE'VE GOT TO SAVE HIM FROM THIS WRETCHED CRACK FIC BEFORE HE'S SUBJECTED TO MORE STUFF THAT I HATE!** (Sees Lars and Sadie eating their final spaghetti strand like it's _Lady and the Tramp_ but before they kiss, Sugar runs up and flips the table over startling the two lovers.) **HAVE YOU NORMIES SEEN STEVEN?!"** Demanded Sugar.

"Uh yeah he's with Lapis." Said Sadie.

"They're heading to his ex gf Connie's apartment complex." Added Lars.

"Steven with Lapis…. and not Connie? **AAAGH! I'VE GOT NO TIME TO LOSE! I HAVE TO SAVE STEVEN AND CONNIE!**" Sugar roared again as she bolted to Connie's apartment.

Ian then walked up to Lars and Sadie, apologized, payed for the damages and congratulated them on their relationship before chasing after Sugar.

* * *

*Connie's Apartment*

Connie is finishing a solo session in a rundown apartment for the few subs that she has on an adult site, times have been hard since her last defeat at the hands of Lapis and Steven. She gives a desperate, fake orgasm to get a few extra dollars from her subs.

"Mmmmmmmm yeah…that was…." (looks at chat and notices some subs spamming "Why don't you just get a job?" over and over again causing Connie to go all WingsOfRedemption) **"HEY LOOK HERE! LOOK LISTEN! APPEARING OFFLINE DOES NOT FUCKING STOP IT! SO STOP GIVING ME FUCKING ADVICE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!" **Roared Connie as she banned the detractors and threw her vibrator against a wall, shattering in into a million pieces.

"So yeah guys, that's it for tonight's stream, thanks for the donations, hit subscribe and (hears knock) what's that?" Said Connie as she puts on a robe, opens the door and finds a burning brown bag.

"Oh no I gotta put this out!" Said Connie as she slipped some Stripper shoes on and proceeded to stomp said bag with both shoes.

"Phew that was…..(sniff)….wait….**AAAAAAAHHH EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!**" Connie screamed as she realized her shoes were ruined by the poopy contents of the brown bag. To make matters worse, her webcam was still on and her subscribers left troll comments on her livestream, even the mods were laughing it up. Just then her landlord came in with a fire-extinguisher and sprayed Connie adding more lolz.

"YOU START POOPY FIRE?! YOU EVICTED! CLEAN MESS UP ANG GET OUT CITY W'HORE!" Said the landlord in broken English as he stormed off.

Connie then crawls to her monitor (which is still on) sobs and pulls off another WINGS by saying "**I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE MAN!...** I'm fucking lonely….I just wanna stream and…..have a good…time ...I just..." Connie said before breaking out into sobs.

* * *

*Several blocks outside of Connie's Apartment*

Having ruined yet another night for Connie, Steven and Lapis were laughing on their way home.

**"STEVEN THAT WAS HILARIOUS!"** Laughed Lapis.

"Yeah, Andy taught me that trick a few weeks ago! He was also nice enough to fill the bags with shit from his cows!" Added Steven.

"Yup, hey Steven, let's head home and watch some T.V. before we have some victory sex?" Lapis whispered seductively.

"Absolutely!" Replied Steven.

Just then Rebecca Sugar runs up behind Steven, picks him up in her arms, turns him around and bear hugs him.

**"STEVEN I FOUND YOU! DON'T WORRY MAMA SUGAR IS GONNA MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY AGAIN!" **Said Rebecca as she kept trying to shower Steven with kisses much to Steven's disgust.

**"SMELLS…..AND…TASTES…..LIKE…VAPE….SMOKE….AND… EXECUTIVES' ALONG WITH PRODUCERS'….GENITALS…..WOMEN…..AND WHAT I HOPE ISN'T…MEN! LAPIS…. HELP ME!"** Said Steven regarding Sugar's saliva.

"GET YOUR STICKIN' HANDS OFF OF MY HUSBAND **YOU DAMN, DIRTY, SJW!**" Roared Lapis as she grabbed Rebecca Sugar off from Steven.

Sugar responded by spitting into Lapis' eye, some of the spit had gum.

"**EW!"** Said Lapis as she wiped it off with a water arm.

"STEVEN WILL NEVER BE WITH YOU, HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH CONNIE!" Roared Sugar.

"Haven't you read this crack fic? Steven and I are married! Connie's a cam whore!" Explained Lapis.

"Exactly! If you don't like it, then don't read it. Different authors can have different interpretations of characters, especially in fan/crack fiction!" Said Steven defiantly as he and Lapis kissed.

Enraged, Sugar grabs Steven and Lapis by their throats.

Amused Sugar was all **"BLASPHEMY! I'M GOING TO TEAR DOWN THIS CRACK FIC! CHAPTER BY CHAPTER, SENTENCE BY SENTENCE, WORD BY WORD, AND REBUILD IT INTO THE MOST PRO STEVONNIE/ANTI-LAPEN FANFIC THE INTERNET HAS EVER SEEN AND WILL NEVER BE TOPPED AGAIN! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

"REBECCA!" Said Ian.

**"ARGH WHAT IS IT IAN?! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY BODY AND I ARE BUSY HERE?! IF YOU NEED SOME RELIEF, USE SOME KLEENEX ALONG WITH A PORTRAIT OF ME AND….."** Said Rebecca.

"No it's not that, it's about Homeworld!" Said Ian.

"What about Homeworld?!" Asked Rebecca, her grip still strong on Lapis and Steven.

"President Trump, Putin, and every other world leader on Earth…. **THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY HOMEWORLD!**" Said Ian.

"What? That's impossible, probably some FOX news and Alex Jones bullshit." Said Rebecca.

"It's not only FOX, but also CNN, ABC News and even The Young Turks!" Said Ian.

"Wait…even the Mainstream Media?" Asked Rebecca.

Before Ian could even nod, over a dozen nukes were launched into space. Their target: Homeworld.

Steven, Lapis, Sugar and Ian look up at the departing rockets in the night sky, confirming that numerous world leaders including President Trump have agreed to take action against Homeworld for their connections with Kevin in the previous story.

* * *

*Gem Warship above Homeworld, Holly Blue Agate's trial*

**"MY DIAMOND PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"** Begged Holly Blue Agate.

**"SILENCE!"** Roared a disappointed Blue Diamond while crying like an emo, in which Yellow had to take over.

"For allowing the Crystal Gems into a classified facility, you are hereby stripped of your rank and shall be cast aside/barred from Homeworld forever!" Declared Yellow Diamond.

**"NOOOOOOOOOO!"** Holly Blue Agate sobbed like a bitch.

"Carnelian, I am placing you in charge of the Human Zoo, you'll get all of Holly's guards and perks, along with a pay raise." Said Yellow as she congratulated Holly's former servant.

"AWESOME THANKS! **REPRESENT!**" Carnelian said as she threw a gang sign which Yellow and Blue responded with gang signs as well.

Holly could only watch in horror as Carnelian gave her the middle finger and left for the zoo.

"You had one job Holly….**ONE FUCKING JOB!**" Said Yellow as she pushed a button which teleported the dishonored, screaming Holly towards Earth to live out her exile.

"Worthless disappointment." Yellow muttered.

"My Diamond we are receiving a transmission!" Said one of Yellow's Pearls.

"Excellent, let's play it." Said Yellow.

A monitor showed up and it displayed Emerald (accompanied by Hessonite) who said, "My Diamonds, I have put down a fusion uprising against our colony on planet number….."

**"MY DIAMONDS!"** Came a sprinting Blue Pearl who was beyond horrified.

Yellow Diamond was all "BLUE PEARL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MEANING OF….?"

But Blue cut her off with, "My Blue Pearl, what is wrong?"

"My Diamond…..it's Kevin…" Said The Blue Pearl.

"What about him?" Asked a concerned Blue Diamond.

"Kevin was exposed by Lapis and Steven Universe! He escaped but was recently captured along with his phone! **THE SAME KEVIN WHO PROMISED US THOSE QUESTIONABLE PICTURES!**" Explained the Blue Pearl.

"If Earth's Military tracks Kevin to us….." Said Blue Diamond.

"Then that means…." Added Yellow Diamond.

A sudden beeping came on.

"My Diamonds, scanners are picking up numerous objects heading towards Homeworld…" Emerald said as she realized what was going on.

Everyone onboard paused.

Upon jailbreaking Kevin's phone, the Beach City Police Department (BCPD) informed President Donald Trump of Kevin's connections with the Great Diamond Authority. Upon being notified, President Trump orders the military to nuke Homeworld. Not wanting to be one-upped, Russian President Vladimir Putin fired several nukes along with a Tsar Bomba. Wanting to help, China's General Secretary Xi Jinping assists by firing 6 nukes as well. French President Emmaniel Macron fires some nukes, British Queen Elizabeth II orders her prime minister Boris Johnson to fire nukes at Homeworld, Israeli President Reuven Rivlin fired 2 nukes, and North Korea along with Iran each tried to launch a nuke at Homeworld but both were duds.

Having absolutely no idea what nukes are or the catastrophic danger they pose, the Diamonds didn't know how to deal with them.

Millions of Gems were instantly incinerated while countless more suffered from nuclear fallout and radiation burns from the first strike, followed by the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 12th strikes. The once technologically advanced structures, facilities and monuments were obliterated in a matter of seconds. The ones that remained were all twisted, scorched and unrecognizable. The streets were littered with ashes, poofed gemstones and even gems who were succumbing to radiation. Agonizing screams, melting faces and bleeding eyeballs were some of the last things the citizens of Homeworld felt before poofing themselves. For the ones who hadn't died yet, chaos and rioting broke out. Many fought for supplies, weapons and money but most fought to get off Homeworld. Four more Nukes detonated but this time in the asteroid belts, causing numerous asteroids to be sent hurtling towards homeward at very high speeds, increasing the death toll substantially.

Although Yellow and Blue Diamond had been on their warships with several battalions of loyal Pearls and Gems, they could only watch in terror as their Crystal Empire which stood the test of time for **fuck-knows-how-long**, collapse right in front of them. And to make matters worse, White Diamond was in her palace which had also been at the center of the 1st nuclear strike. Without warning, she was amongst the first to die.

As the Gem nuclear holocaust intensified, Yellow and Blue Diamond's ship was damaged by the blasts. With no other alternative, the remaining Diamonds fled for the far reaches of space in search of refuge whether it be a space station or some outpost, anything to escape their dying home.

Having already been cracked, Homeworld splintered even more when a 2nd Tsar Bomba (bigger than the last) hit the planet's core. As a result, a chain reaction occurred where the planet broke into several more pieces. Half were drawn right into a nearby star and incinerated while several more pieces got sucked into a black hole. Two chunks remained but one of them was destroyed by numerous asteroids. The last piece was able to orbit said star without getting sucked in.

As quickly as the attack commenced, it had ended by reducing Homeworld to a rock chunk the size of the map for _Fallout 3_.

To Earth, it looked like a distant light show, but numerous advanced NUKE-PROOF Trump space camera robots were able to capture the carnage and destruction as they relayed everything back to the 3rd planet from the Sun.

* * *

*Earth – Street our heroes are at with Ian and Sugar*

As the explosions ended, Steven, Lapis, Sugar and Ian notice a T.V in a store is on and displays Trump's response to Nuking Homeworld. Sugar releases her grip and rushes o the T.V.

President Trump makes the following address: "Following a break from Kevin's phone, I have met with several world leaders and have authorized a pre-emptive strike on the Diamonds. With Homeworld destroyed, our children will sleep peacefully, knowing that the worst scourge since Anilingus has been stopped. But the fight is not over yet: there still over a dozen confirmed Homeworld settlements on other worlds, still in operation. And while White Diamond has been killed, her allies Yellow and Blue Diamond are still at large, along with several fanatic supporters. Many of whom are thirsty for conquest, plunder, the eradication of all non-gems and as of now, revenge. By working with our fellow nations, I plan to create a defense system to keep the remaining Gems from threatening our great home with ships, lasers and even life-draining kindergartens. I understand that there are several reformed Gems whom live and walk amongst us. Having proved their citizenship and renouncing Homeworld, no harm shall befall any of them. Despite our differences, we all must stand together and keep the remnants of The Great Diamond Authority from invading our beloved home. God Bless you all."

As the speech ended, Sugar just kept staring at the T.V.: Countless Gems, cities and even a whole culture, wiped from existence. Radiation altering their genetic make-up, Gems bleeding, vomiting and having their faces dissolve right off of their skulls. As the agony continued, the screen transitioned to the man responsible for all of this: Orange President Donald John Trump.

* * *

"Rebecca?" Ian asked cautiously.

Without warning, Sugar kicks through the glass, grabs the $1,147.00 flat screen T.V. lifts it up as Trump shakes hands with other world leaders over nuking Homeworld and roars **"FUCK YOU TO HELL! YOU RACIST, MYSOGINISTIC, GENOCIDAL OOMPA LOOMPA!"** as she slams the TV screen-first onto the pavement, shattering it into a now worthless pile of junk before stomping/jumping up and down on it.

**"HOMEWORLD MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME!"** Roared Sugar.

Before anyone could comfort her, Rebecca started to grow bigger and stronger as if she were Hulking out, her shirt struggling to stay intact.

Steven and Lapis are saying "Please don't rip, please don't rip, please don't….."

Much to their dismay, Sugars shirt ripped open and the bra-less feminist animator, flashes our heroes.

**"OUR EYES!"** Lapis and Steven cried out.

"Wish I had some Kleenex." Ian thought to himself.

**"SUGAR HATE LAPEN SHIPPING, SUGAR SMASH LAPEN SHIPPING!"** Hulk Sugar roared with a huge grin as she beat her bare chest like King Kong her normal a-b boobs were now like war drums as she banged a threat display.

A/N: Not enough bleach, not enough fucking bleach for that image.

But right before Sugar could deliver the final blow, Sugar started to weaken. It turns out that Homeworld provided Rebecca a huge chunk of her powers but with it gone, Sugar was running out. And her Hulk Form only had her drain said energy faster.

Seizing the opportunity, Lapis took her top off and shoved Steven's face into her perfect rack causing Sugar to shield her eyes.

**"DWAAAAAAAHHHHH LAPEN MAKES SUGAR'S BRAIN AND SOUL BLEED! AND IN A BAD WAY!"** Sugar roared as she began to cower and shrink.

Keeping things up Lapis started talking all lovey-dovey and naughty to the point where it would make Bree Olson seem innocent in comparison.

Unable to take anymore, Sugar shrank back to her normal size, in whimpering in fetal position.

As Lapis put her top back on, she and Steven walked up to Sugar and were all "Look Rebecca, we just want to make sure that everything is….."

Then all of the sudden Ian tossed a smoke grenade he kept in his pocket at Lapis and Steven. As the smoke cleared, Ian and Sugar were gone. All that remained were the torn upper garments of Sugar.

Several cop cars pulled up and inspected the scene of the crime. A hazmat team was summoned to collect samples from Sugar's garments not only to preserve the evidence, but to also keep people from getting sick from said garments.

After giving their statements, Steven and Lapis are allowed to return home, even stepping on an old poster promoting the episode _"Change Your Mind."_

* * *

*Barn*

Steven and Lapis thank the babysitter for watching their children as said sitter heads home. Once the sitter Leaves, our lovers head to their bedroom. (Peridot "Clod" and Pumpkin are on vacation via Timeshare)

*Bedroom*

Steven is on the bed as Lapis approaches seductively.

Lapis is all "Hey Steven, (strips robe down to sexy lingerie and walks over to her husband on the bed) let's…..."

The moment is ruined as crying emerges from the baby monitor for the 100th time this week, causing the new parents to groan.

A few minutes later and Lapis is breast-feeding Steven the 2nd as her husband uses a custom breast-feed strap for men to hold the milk bottle as he feeds Grace. The couple are walking in a counter-clockwise pattern opposite from each other as they feed their children. They are also avoiding all the scattered toys and kid books on the floor as if they were landmines.

As the parents circled, the shelves contained numerous photos and newspaper articles of their previous adventure(s) from the original LAPEN crack fic. Satisfied, Lapis and Steven's two little angels fell asleep and were placed in their cribs. Having trolled Connie, witnessed Homeworld being nuked to Holy Hell, surviving Rebecca Sugar's Hulk Meltdown (too much skin) and finally getting their children to sleep, our heroes return to their room.

"Hey Steven?" Said Lapis.

"Yeah babe?" Replied Steven.

"What do you think Chapter 2 holds in store for us?" Asked Lapis who was a bit nervous.

"Well Lapis, I'm not sure but until then (Places hands under Lapis' bra and fondles her boobs) no one's grabbing your boobs but me!" Said Steve.

"He-he-he…. Thanks Darling." Lapis cooed as she kissed her husband's lips before they both fell asleep in each other's loving embrace.

* * *

(EXTRA SCENE - 5-6 years later)

*Shitty part of town*

A middle aged business man is sprinting from a rundown apartment complex; he is fastening his belt.

**"HEY WHERE'S MY $250?!"** Roared Connie the prostitute.

Having lost her apartment and having no Minnesota Vikings sugar daddies like the previous story, Connie had to resort to prostitution.

Just then a car pulled up next to Connie and opened the door allowing her to hop in.

(Thinking it's her pimp) "Look Daddy….I was going to pay you the money… but my client went all chicken shit on my ass and bolted…..please…..please don't hit me again!" Begged Connie.

A glass panel between the driver and passenger side lowered and revealed a figure dressed in all dark complete with a voice changer sitting shotgun.

"Don't fret Connie, you're ol' Daddy has been rubbed out, check the bag." Said the figure.

As Connie checked the bag she found an eyeball, nose, what looked like a human heart and even a face, all belonging to her former Pimp Daddy.

**"WHAT THE FUCK?!"** Screamed Connie as the soundproof windows rolled up and doors safe-locked.

"Now, now, now child I said don't fret!" Said the Voice in a calm, yet serious demeanor.

"Okay, what the Hell do you want from me?" Asked Connie.

(Regular demeanor) "Oh nothing really I just want to improve your life and grant everything that was stolen from you." Said the voice.

"Really? But…..what do you want in return?" Asked Connie.

The voice hands out a black and white picture of Steven and Lapis on their wedding day along with several other pictures. What strikes Connie about the wedding photo is that Lapis and Steven have Red X's on their faces.

"We have common enemies, help me take them out, and not only will I fix your entire life but rather, I'll improve it! Steven? DEAD! Lapis? DEAD! (Connie looks to next photo) Their bitch pets? DEAD! (next photo) Red-neck family? DEAD! (Next Photo as she smiles) And even their little angels? (Chuckles) **DEAD AS A FUCKIN' DOOR NAIL!**" The Voice laughed maniacally as Connie laughed as well.

"Fuck yeah I'll help! I've been meaning to get back at them for everything they've done to me! DEAL!" Connie said as she shook the figure's hand.

"Excellent! And don't worry (Driver pulls into an abandoned factory that's a secret lair) The figure (Wearing a gangster suit with a golden, Japanese Dragon mask and a black fedora) and don't worry, I believe you've been acquainted my crew!" Said the Masked Figure.

At that moment, all of Steven and Lapis' arch nemesis' from last time stepped into the light, they were all sprung from prison! Except for DarkSydePhil, he would just fuck things up like he did before.

And with that, the bad guys all laughed evilly!

**"WHAT?! YOU JEWS DIDN'T INVITE ME?! ACK, ACK, ACK, ACK, ACK!"** Phil said with a snort as he wandered into the lair.

"What are you doing here?! Didn't you just read the last paragraph?! **YOU'D JUST FUCK THINGS UP!" **Roared the figure.

"PFFFT CAM OOOOON! I CAN TOTALLY (neck is hit by sleeping dart) DUUUUUD BUGGED….Memory….wiping….tranq…" DSP trailed as he fainted.

The Masked Figure then called the guard to dump Phil's bum body on Boardwalk where he belongs. Once the guard returns, the villains resuming laughing all evil like.

A/N: WHEW! New record for longest chapter I've ever written! Anyway I'm sorry that this took way longer than I had anticipated. I hold a special place in my heart for Lapen (I still like my other work as well) so I wanted to give it proper treatment! When I posted Lapen back in April, I had no idea it would get so much attention and support so for that I thanks you all. Anyway, I'm planning on getting Chapter 2 up sometime next week. Take care and I'm glad to be back on this story!


	2. Chapter 2: Too Old for this Shit

A/N: Hey guys here's the next chap!

Chapter 2: Too Old for this Shit

*Barn, 5-6 years before the extra scene of chap1*

When not at work, Steven would help Lapis in raising their children. From watching them learn to walk along with hearing their first words (Grace being "Kitty" and Steven Jr.'s being "Dino") the Universe household was filled with wonderful moments. But Lapis and Steven knew that raising their two kids would be anything but easy.

* * *

*Bedroom*

Lapis and Steven set their kids in bed and tiptoe to their bedroom.

"Phew glad they're in bed, so Lapis…. how about some "us" time?" Said Steven as Lapis nodded with a seductive approval.

As Steven was about to unhook Lapis' Bra.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" **Screamed the kids from their cribs.

"OH SHIT!" Said both Lapis and Steven.

After feeding both kids, Lapis returned with Steven to bed.

"Look Steven both of my breasts are really sore, I just want to sleep." Said an exhausted Lapis.

Steven is all, "Oh…..(sees Lapis curling into bed, crawls in, spoons and whispers)….Say, how about we cuddle and drift asleep in each other's….."

"**FOR FUCK SAKES STEVEN! NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO REVOLVE AROUND SEX! IF YOU REALLY WANT SEXUAL RELEASE, THEN GO TO THE BATHROOM, USE SOME GODDAMN KLEENEX AND RUB ONE OUT IN THE TOILET BOWL!"** Lapis roared, unintentionally waking the twins up again.

Steven slept on the couch that night, whilst battling blue balls.

Despite being ¾ gem, Grace and Steven Jr. were still strong, more so than the average human. In fact, Steven Jr. was so strong that Steven Sr. had to reinforce the playroom walls after his son punched a perfect hole right through it. Why Steven Jr. did this was a result of teething pains. And when the family was watching a Classic Disney film in which a scary scene shows up, Grace would cry so loud that she would direct her screams at the T.V. and shatter it.

"_Welp, there goes my next paycheck." _Steven thought to himself.

Regarding bath time, both Grace and Steven Jr. would share a tub filled with bubbles as their parents washed them. On one evening, Lapis decided to snap a photo for a family album. At the precise moment, a giggling Steven Jr. shat the tub causing Grace to have a freaked-out temper tantrum. Acting quick, Lapis and Steven got their kids out of the tub. Lapis would take the screaming Grace to a separate bathroom tub, clean her with a shower handle head while calming her down.

"**I HATE POOPY WATER! WAAAAAAAH!"** Grace cried.

"DON'T WORRY GRACIE! SHH, SHH, SHH, MOMMY'S HERE W/ CLEAN WATER!" Said Lapis as she showered Grace off in a different tub.

Steven would clean Steven Jr. before working on the tub his son had dropped a deuce in.

And when guests came over, Steven and Lapis had to watch their language around the kids since they were very imitative. "Fuck" became "fudge", "shit" became "shoot", "Godammit" became "Bob Saget" and so on. One day in particular saw Rose and Greg stopping by for a get together. Everything was all well and good until Greg accidently spilled a glass of lemon water onto Steven and Lapis' rug.

"**OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! **Sorry Steven but you need to stop buying these shitty-ass knock-off brands and go for the real shit.**"** Cursed Greg to which Grace and Steven Jr. repeated with precise memorization and tone. While the two sobbing children were sent to their rooms, both were spared from the soap in the mouth punishment. Greg however, was not so fortunate, and Rose made sure of that.

One day, Lapis had a very hard time falling asleep from the previous night and wasn't at 100%. Just then she heard what sounded like Grace and Steven Jr. arguing, only this time, it sounded like **"I GET TO PAINT THE GREEN DOGGY THIS TIME!"** and **"NO I GET GREEN DOGGY! YOU KEEP PAINTING PUMPKIN DOGGY!"** to name a few.

Upon hearing this, Lapis raced to the nursery and was shocked to find that her children had gotten into the paint supplies, spilled/ threw paint everywhere and were now fighting over Clod. Pumpkin had been painted in what looked like Connie after a night of whoring and was all tied up by his vines. Grace was pulling on Clod's front legs while Steven Jr. was pulling on the green furry gem's rear legs.

"WOOF…. When….woof…. I…..woof…..wanted….woof….. to….woof….. die….woof….that…..woof…. was…woof… back…woof… at…woof….. chapter…woof….. 3… woof… of…..woof….. the…..woof….. original… woof…. Lapen…..woof….dammit…woof.….I'm…woof….. a…..woof…happily….woof…..married…..woof…furry…..woof…..with…..woof…..puppies…..woof…please….woof...save…..woof…my…..woof…..furry….woof…..husband…..woof….and…..woof…..I…WOOF!" Peridot "Clod" woofed.

Well past her breaking point, Lapis used her water arms to grab both of her children away from Clod and right to her own face. And despite have a "no swear rule" when children are around, Lapis had enough.

"DIDN'T YOUR FATHER AND I SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU NOT TO PAINT CLOD OR PUMPKIN?! LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD! IF YOU BREAK, PAINT OR EVEN PISS/SHIT ON ONE MORE VALUABLE ITEM, SO HELP ME GOD I WILL TAN BOTH OF YOUR ASSES UNTIL YOU FORGET WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO SIT DOWN! **YOU FUCKING GOT IT?!**" Lapis Roared.

Grace and Steven Jr. looked at Lapis in dead silence.

"**WELL?! I'M WAITING!"** Roared Lapis.

The two children continued to look and their mother, before crying their eyes out.

Snapping out of it, Lapis realized what she had done and apologized.

"Oh babies…..I'm…**I'M SO SORRY!" **Lapis cried out as she hugged her children.

Seeing how dirty everything was and that the cleaning supplies had metal handles with poles, Peridot had an idea.

At that moment Steven Sr. walked in from work.

"Hey Lapis I'm…..(Stops and sees Lapis crying with the kids)…..What's going on?" Asked Steven.

"Steven, we're so sorry about the mess….." Lapis tried to explain.

"What mess?" Asked Steven as he pointed behind Lapis.

Lapis, Steven and their kids then saw a bunch of mops, pales of water and other cleaning stuff getting rid of the mess.

"**GHOSTS!"** Said both Grace and Steven Jr.

At that moment, Leslie Jones in her Ghostbuster suit popped through a window and was all "WHO YA' GONNA CALL?"

Only for Steven Sr. to respond with, **"IT'S OVER! YOUR SHITTY FEMINAZI GHOSTBUSTER CRUSADE IS BEING RETCONED BY SOMETHING THAT RESPECTS THE SOURCE MATERIAL! YOU'RE NO LONGER RELEVANT!"** as he shoved her out before closing/locking the window.

Just then several cop cars came buzzing down and arrested Leslie Jones for stealing said costume from a Halloween store.

"**DIS' IS BULLSHIT! ALL MO' FUCKIN' COPS BE RACIST!"** Roared Jones even though the cops who arrested her also happened to be black.

Anyway, back to the situation at hand.

"Wait it's not ghosts, its…Clod." Said Lapis as she pointed to Clod who was Clod, almost acting like a conductor for a musical.

Although Clod was a furry, she still retained her Magnetism manipulation powers. A huge ass mess that would've taken fuck knows how long to clean had been accomplished by Clod in a matter of minutes. She even used some brushes w/ metal handles to clean her husband Pumpkin, finishing with his shaft and balls.

Upon finishing, Clod then emptied the pale into the garage sink with her mind and put everything back with her powers.

Everyone stared at Clod before thanking the little green furry gem.

"CLOD YOU'RE AMAZING! HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?" Asked Steven and Lapis.

"Woof…..Well….woof….a…woof…trip…..woof…..to….woof…..the…..woof…..spa…woof…..would…..woof…..be…..woof….soothing…woof." Answered Peridot.

"Okay, THE SPA IT IS THEN!" Said Steven

Clod was so happy: she could already feel the warm water, hair dryers, Brazilian Wax jobs and pedicures…..

(20 minutes later)

Steven is shaving off Clod's dirty coat with a pair of electric clippers on a mover's blanket. Much to Clod's disappointment, it was Sunday and the Spa was closed. As a result, Steven had to shave off all of Clod's fur. The Furry Gem's legs, back and even trademark Dorito hair style were shaved clean off. The once Green Clod with blond hair, now looked like a pink Chihuahua.

"Well Clod how does it look?" Said Steven as he presented Peridot with a mirror.

"WOOF…. **I'm**…. woof…. **getting**…. woof…...**too**…...woof…...**old**…...woof…. **for**…woof…...**this**…...woof…...**shit**…...woof, woof, **WOOF!**" Said Peridot.

Despite the setbacks, Steven and Lapis loved their children whom in turn loved their parents back.

(5-6 years later, present day)

Lapis and Steven are relaxing at home with their kids. Just then there was a knock at the door, causing Steven to answer it.

As Steven opened said door, he saw the BCPD.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Asked Steven.

"**STEVEN IT'S ABOUT YOUR PARENTS!" **Said the main cop.

*Greg and Rose's place*

Lapis and Steven had Lars and Sadie babysit their kids as they head with the cops over to Greg and Rose' place. Upon arriving, Lapis and Steven see that Greg and Rose had been kidnapped, even the puppies were missing. Connie's Dad arrives with the rest of the BCPD and begin their investigation.

*Bad guy base*

Greg, Rose and the puppies are all tied up. Six years' worth of saving up along with planning were finally coming together.

Aquamarine readies her new wand to use on the captives but is stopped by the Gold Dragon Masked figure.

"No, no, no Aqua', I know you have a score to settle but for my plan to work, our client demands these losers in mint condition." Said the figure.

"Very well." Pouted Aquamarine.

"Hey Boss, when do we drop the losers off to your….. _client?_" Asked Jasper.

"Very astute question Jasper! You see, I'd drop them off now except that said client is in a very important meeting. For the time being, all we need to do is wait and watch our enemies turn against one another!" Said the Figure.

"But how though? Steven and Lapis aren't your average ship." Said Connie.

With a chuckle, the figure replied with, "Oh Connie, it won't come from them but rather… let's just say…. a certain…... redeemed…. _Crystal Gem_." Said the figure.

*Greg and Rose's place*

As the investigation continues, the front door opens, revealing Pearl with a bunch of "Lover's Lane) purchases. She arrives with the entrance and elegance of a ballerina. Ever since she got back with Rose, Pearl stopped being a total bitch.

"Hey Rose….(sigh) and Greg… sorry I'm late, I helped some Grade School Republican kids find their lost dog while shopping, but I got all the lingerie and toys like you asked, tonight is going to be all…..(sees what's going on)…Steven?...Lapis? Where's Rose, Greg and the puppies? But mainly Rose?" Asked Pearl.

Pearl, they've been kidnapped and we're trying to find them. We have the BCPD on the case and won't stop until….." Steven and Lapis paused and looked at the once smiling Pearl who now had a blank yet horrified look on her face. Not just for Rose but rather a battle between two Pearls: one good, the other a bitch, fight for control over Pearl's body and mind.

"….Pearl?" Asked Steven.

A/N: Hey guys, sorry if this chapter wasn't as epic as my previous ones but the goal was to set the stage for chapter 3 which will involve Pearl's reaction, the Masked Figure's plan, and a new enemy. I intended chapter 2 to be a "Peace time" chapter while 3 is about "getting back in the saddle." Anyway thanks for waiting and the next chapter will be up sometime next week! Feel free to review and thanks again!


	3. Chapter 3: Pearl

A/N: Hey guys sorry for the long wait, here's why I haven't been uploading: earlier this month I lost 2 people I was close with and have been dealing with an increased workload at my new job and other obstacles in my life. This last month has really taken a toll on my personal life and I'm trying to bounce back. For everyone who's been waiting for chapter 3 I'm sorry for the long wait and am glad you're still here. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I'll explain more of my game plan at the end of this chapter.

Chapter 3: Pearl

(Earlier that same day)

Ever since she hooked back up with Rose, Pearl was walking on air. Despite her previous appearances' courtesy of this author, Pearl wasn't being a total bitch. In fact, Pearl was spreading joy throughout Beach City as Rod Stewart was playing his song "Motown Records" on the rooftops. As Pearl danced with joy, she was helping paraplegic children walk again, curing cancer, restoring the economy, convincing everyone there's only two genders and even uniting Democrats with Republicans. Everyone in town stopped their cars, got out and danced with Pearl as she made her way back home.

(Home - present)

"Oh Rose (and Greg) I'm home! What positions should we try….?" Pearl stops as she sees cops and investigators searching for Rose (and Greg).

"Um Pearl?" Steven tried to explain, he and Lapis both knew Pearl would throw a shitstorm.

"Where's my….I mean OUR Rose?" Said Pearl, acknowledging that she shared Rose with Greg.

"My Mom…..Mom…..mom….." Steven had trouble getting himself to tell Pearl what happened to Rose.

"Pearl we're all deeply sorry to tell you this but Rose and Greg have been kidnapped." Said Lapis.

The once happy and redeemed Pearl had a horrified expression on her face, as if someone had just stolen her "BBW'S In Need of a Triple Bypass Gone Wild XXX" password and canceled her account but then replaced it with a Christian website explaining the importance of abstinence and the role of women in nuclear families.

Instead of Motown Records playing, Pearl held her hands over her face and started making weird, scary sobbing sounds as SCP-096's music (when you look at its face) starts playing.

Recognizing the danger, Rod Stewart tries to get everyone who followed Pearl to a safe distance.

Before Steven, Lapis, Rod Stewart or any of the people Pearl helped that day could help, said Pearl then unleashed an ear-piercing, soul-shattering **"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!"**

Despite having redeemed herself, Pearl was so distraught that she wanted everyone to suffer as she did.

She started by giving everyone she had already cured **even worse cases of Cancer, having families fight one another, purposefully crippling those she had already helped to walk again, creating more economic disasters, making more natural disasters and starting more wars all while preaching that she missed Rose.**

In the span of a few moments, Pearl went from redeeming herself to **becoming the bitch we all know and hate.**

**"ROSE WAS THE ONLY THING I LOVED ABOUT THIS WAR-TORN, DISGUSTING, MEAT-BAG INFESTED. SHIT-HOLE OF A PLANET YOU CALL EARTH!"** Screamed Pearl.

"PEARL, NONE OF THIS WILL BRING US ANY CLOSER TO FINDING…." Before Lapis could finish, Pearl jumped at her like a crazed feminazi chimpanzee, ripping her clothes off while strangling her.

**"YOU'RE NOT ROSE! UNTIL I GET MY ROSE BACK **(fuck Greg) **I WILL PEEL YOUR SKIN, RIP YOUR EYES OUT, AND USE YOU AS A PIECE OF MEAT UNTIL I….."**

Just then Pearl was smacked across her head with a shovel from behind sending her to the ground.

"STAY THE FUCK DOWN!" Roared Steven.

As Pearl Slumped/twitched on the ground, Steven ran over to his wife who was struggled to conceal her private parts.

"Steven…..Why would she….?" Asked Lapis who was on the brink of sobbing after having her clothes torn off.

"Don't worry, (hands Lapis his shirt) we're gonna…(gets kicked downstairs from behind) AAAAAAGH!" Steven cried as he fell into fetal position as Pearl snuck up behind him.

"STEVEN!" Lapis tried to fight back but Pearl kneed her in the stomach forcing Lapis to the ground.

"Now Lapis….(summons swords) how's about I serve you some spaghetti with **Steven's meatballs?**" Pearl laughed manically as she ripped Steven's undergarments off and grabbed his testicles.

As Lapis recovered and saw Pearl threaten her husband's balls she then said, "If you so what as harm one of my husband's balls I WILL….." but Pearl summoned numerous blades and made a knife chain around Lapis' neck stopping her. Pearl did the same with the cops and investigators.

"Yeah, yeah, this is the part where I do something evil and you save the damn day but tbh, I love Rebecca's cooch more than her "BF" Ian does so if making Steven a eunuch grants me that then so be it!" Pearl said w/ glee, like that shitty-ass show "GLEE" with 99.99% borrowed songs and 0.00000001% original songs.

"La-Lapis!" Steven pleaded.

"Steven!" replied Lapis helplessly.

But before the cackling Pearl could harm Steven's manhood, Pearl felt a dart hit her neck.

"**GAH DA FUCK?!"** Roared Pearl as she released Steven's already bruised balls along with her knife to neck grip to Lapis, thus freeing both of our heroes. Steven then crawled to Lapis but was sad since his balls were on the line. Lapis comforted him by sucking his balls and cock then and there.

"Lapis….I….I…..(Lapis grabs his junk)…..OH!" Said Steven.

"Don't worry Steven, I'm here!" Said Lapis as she sucked Steven off much to our hero's delight.

"**OH LAPIS YES…..YEESSS….YEEEEEEEEES!"** Steven said in joy as he climaxed into Lapis' loving mouth.

Just as Pearl removed the dart, she saw a figure in the distance…GARNET!...whom then fired a few more blowgun darts at Pearl.

Outmatched Pearl fled into the wood which soon became a forest since those darts were tranqs.

Since Garnet had PREDATOR heat-vision in her shades, tracking Pearl was easy.

Everywhere Pearl looked she could see numerous Garnets chasing her w/ tribal chant music in the background, the scariest part being that they were all wearing MAGA hats and t-shirts with their tribal clothing. Pearl would flee like Jim Carry in _"Ace Ventura Pet Detective 2 When Nature Calls."_  
(Truly underrated classic) The only difference is that Pearl would say **"REEEEE!"** all the time.

Each dart caused Pearl to shape-shift into a Gazelle, ostrich, a wild pig and even a pedo trying to flee from a "To Catch a Predator" sting operation before reverting to her original self.

Just then Pearl felt a whip tie around her leg causing her to fall. When Pearl looked up, the one responsible was Amethyst.

"If only she was fatter…." Thought Pearl as she fantasied about bigger women.

A/N: I'm not fat shaming, rather I'm portraying Pearl in a way that's loyal to the source material.

As the sjw Gem finally crashed to the ground, Garnet asked Pearl to surrender.

To which Pearl would reply with, **"Rose's farts are lovely, yours are stinky!" **

Garnet punches Pearl, breaking the white Gem's nose and causing it to bleed profusely.

"**Chubby chaser til' I die!"** Said Pearl.

Garnet punched Pearl again, giving her a purplish black eye.

"**I support PETA!" **Said Pearl as Garnet punched her a 3rd time, leading Pearl to spit out a few teeth.

"_**Give my regards to Ruby and Sapphire!" **_Pearl said in a bitchy, smart-ass tone with a snarky laugh.

Bringing up Ruby and Sapphire's previous ass-to-mouth antics caused Garnet to stomp the shit out of Pearl before BCPD reinforcements arrived to help our heroes.

Steven helps heal all the people Pearl hurt as Rod Stewart gets said people home. Once everything is done, Pearl is in a straight jacket as Steve and Lapis slip into a new set of clothes and relax.

Not even 10 minutes later, a bigass Air-Force One Helicopter carrying President Trump, VP Mike Pence and body guards consisting of Seal Team SIX lands, unloads our president Donald Trump and VP Mike Pence as they walk up to our heroes.

"Steven….…Lapis…..We need your help….again." Said President Trump.

A/N: Hey everyone, I intended to make this chapter longer, but I decided to save it for the next one. Instead of uploading 1 chapter at a time I'm going to use the same system I used for the original Lapen and go back to uploading 2-3 chapters at a time instead of just one. And for everyone who supports my work thanks again. This last month has been hell for me but not only am I back on track but I'm looking to add more deleted scenes to one of my previous crackfics! (Please no spoilers in reviews)

(POST CHAPTER SCENE)

*Some Island*

After some dogs eat Kevin.

"Ahhhh….wellll….at least I can die…(sees author typing) No…..oh….no…fuuck please no!" Screamed Pearl as she clung to her chode and Nuts.

(Pearl The Accidental Sex Offender will Return with more ball busting deleted scenes like never before!)


	4. Chapter 4: Enter Pink

A/N: Hey guys sorry for the long wait, here's chapter 4.

Chapter 4: Enter Pink

*Area 51*

Steven, Lapis, President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence are walking down the halls of Area 51 all _"Get Smart" _ are accompanied by Amethyst and Garnet while Pearl is strapped to a wheelchair in a strait jacket while wearing a red ball-gag. Upon meeting more security, Pearl is transferred to a padded cell, causing Steven (and his balls) to feel a helluva lot safer.

As Trump uses his security clearance on a terminal, a blast-proof door opens and contains different types of aliens, technology, artifacts and even a normie who was stupid enough to take part in the Area 51 Raid. The most interesting part, is that several Gems had been captured, brought to Area 51 and experimented on.

"Um Mr. President, this is nice and all but what about my parents?" Asked Steven.

"Steven Universe, our sources indicate that your parents are somewhere in Beach City. Buck Dewey is ordering that every establishment, nook and cranny be searched." Said President Trump.

"Thanks President Trump!" Said Steven.

"Anytime, but there's more." Said Trump.

"Okay, what is it?" Asked Lapis.

"I'll let Mike explain." Replied Trump.

"Lapis, Steven, intel shows that there's a hooded figure who wears a golden dragon mask who was last seen on the night your parents disappeared. As it turns out, not much is known about him. We've tried spying on this edgy individual but we (the United States government) believe that he may be getting help from an outside source." Said Pence.

"And that source…..the Diamond Authority, or what's left of it." Said Trump.

"But wait…..I thought Homeworld was destroyed like Ruby and Sapphire's buttholes in Guantanamo Bay? (everyone just awkwardly stares at Amethyst) What? I can't make an edgy joke?" Asked Amethyst.

"Anyway…..yes while Homeworld was destroyed, several Gem colonies survived, including a huge patch of land that somehow escaped the bombardment. Using abandoned Gem Technology that was left on Earth decades ago, our scientists have been able to learn more about our Gem enemies." Said Pence.

"Also, one of my spy satellites picked up Yellow and Blue Diamond's location but upon reviewing the footage, a new player has stepped into the game." Said Trump as he pushed a button that brought up a huge monitor and played the footage.

*Video*

The footage shows a severely damaged Gem hand ship drifting through space. The satellite sends a small, stealth drone/robot to fly up towards an exhaust port, time its movements to avoid said exhaust, develops robot legs, and crawls around the ship undetected.

The throne room has seen better days: numerous pipes had been damaged and held together by tape, glue and other makeshift stuff. Even worse was that moral amongst the crew was at an all-time low: the radiation impacted their genetic make-up, those not dead still suffered radiation burns, bleeding orifices, mutations and numerous other problems.

With the death of White Diamond, the destruction of Homeworld, and the disappearance of Yellow with Blue, a huge power vacuum emerged. The once advanced computer was cracked and static-like, but could still show a picture with semi gargled audio. Roars, screams and agonizing cries from surviving Gem outposts begging for support as they all fight one another for dominance echoed throughout the ship. Blue and Yellow are in the throne room, clenching to each other as their few loyal and surviving associates look at them with sorrow.

"IT'S HOPELESS!" Sobbed Blue.

"Blue…we can't just give up…..together we can avenge…." Yellow tried to explain.

"EVER SINCE HOMEWORLD WAS DESTROYED BY THAT ORANGE MADMAN, ALL REMAINING GEM COLONIES HAVE BEEN AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER! WE CAN'T EVEN PLAN A PROPER COUNTER-OFFFENSIVE WITHOUT ANY INFIGHTING! OUR SHIP IS IN RUIN, ALLIES KILLING ALLIES AND WITHOUT WHITE DIAMOND…" Blue stopped so she could cry into Yellow's chest.

"Don't worry Blue, we'll burn Earth to cinders, with or without help." Yellow reassured.

"But Earth's military, Steven, Lapis, Trump, captured Gem technology!" Blue cried.

"Casualties are unfortunate, but they will not be in vain. We will avenge Homeworld, White and the Crystal Empire!" Said Yellow.

"…..and Pink." Said Blue.

A Pearl came over and showed numerous memories with Pink Diamond. A few were decent, but most showed Pink pulling limbs off insects, force-feeding carnivorous animals plants while force-feeding Herbivores meat, kicking boys in the crotch for fun, mixing Gem medications up which lead to countless hospitalizations, creating numerous illnesses without cures while dumping them on populated planets leading to epidemics, promoting the ideas of extortion, trafficking and slavery, all while acting like a vile, power-hungry, spoiled, rotten, total-stuck-up-bitch.

"…Now Blue…I miss Pink as much as ….." Yellow tried to intervene.

"She may not have been perfect…." Said Blue.

"Look." Said Yellow.

"She was still our Pink….." Said Blue.

"…her actions…..said Yellow.

"….and our child…." Said Blue.

"…..even for someone like me, her actions…." Said Yellow.

"She was our baby." Said Blue.

"Yes, but you can't ignore the horrific….." Said Yellow.

"SHE WAS OUR FUCKING BABY!" Screamed Blue.

"BLUE! Pink was our baby yes, but don't you remember all the trouble she caused the Crystal Empire?" Said Yellow.

"Children will be children." Said Blue.

"Yes, and look where that led to? Numerous Gems being wasted in conflicts just so Pink could have a Human Zoo, or the time Pink killed one of our best clients because she didn't think he was cute, or when she blew half of Homeworld's economy on a monument for her favorite boyband only to tear it down the very next day because she outgrew them, when she broke an engaged, high-ranking couple up so she could date them both behind each other's backs, or how about that time she uploaded a spam virus onto Homeworld's Internet Hub that led to everyone's desktops being frozen with Explicit NSFW #Elsagate videos looping in the background which took Eons to fix?! SHE WAS A LITTLE MONSTER!" Yellow tried to reason.

"She was OUR little monster." Said an angry Blue.

Before things could escalate.

"My Diamond, there's someone at the airlock, they're requesting entry." Said one of the Diamond's followers.

"Can you get a visual?" Said Yellow.

"Negative, our cameras were destroyed in the Nuclear Strike." Replied the follower.

Before Yellow could say anything, Blue said "Let this someone in."

"Very well, but not without a security escort." Said Yellow.

Nodding in compliance, the follower went with several body guards to the diamond-sized door and opened it.

"Yellow…Blue?" Asked the voice.

As the Diamonds looked at the voice, they discovered that it was…. Pink Diamond.

"Pink…..is it…?" Asked Blue.

"Yes…..Mama Blue." Said Pink.

"Pink…..COME HERE!" Said Blue.

"YES MAMA BLUE!" Said Pink as she runs up to Blue and tackles her with a hug, Yellow joined as well, but stopped after a bit to let Blue enjoy hugging Pink.

Blue then kneels in front of Pink, their hands on each other's cheeks.

"You're all grown up Pink, we're so proud of you!" Said Blue as she pinched one of Pink's cheeks.

"(He-he) Thanks Mama Blue!"

"Now that you're back, I never want you out of my sight!" Said Blue with tears not of sadness, but of joy.

"Oh Blue…." Said Pink as she stood up while Blue still knelt and placed her hands on Blue's cheeks.

Pink's expression went from calm, to a cracked, demonic smile. Before Blue could question why, Pink drove both of her thumbs into Blue's unprotected eyes.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"** Blue cried out in agony.

"BLUE!" Screamed Yellow.

"MY DIAMOND!" Screamed Blue Pearl.

Having blinded Blue, Pink gripped her hands around Blue's head and twisted very fast/hard, snapping Blue's neck and killing her.

Yellow was beyond horrified, but Pink's evil cackling brought her back to reality.

"I SHOULD'VE SHATTERED YOU AGES AGO!" Roared Yellow.

"_I SHOULD'VE SHATTERED YOU AGES AGO!"_ Mimicked Pink.

"STOP COPYING ME!" Roared Yellow.

"_STOP COPYING ME!"_ Said Pink.

"IT'S COMPLETELY CHILDISH!" Roared Yellow.

"_IT'S COMPLETLEY CHILDISH!"_ Copied Pink.

"STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Ordered Yellow.

"_STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"_ Repeated Pink.

"I LOVE THE 2019 _CATS_ MOVIE AND WANT TO GIVE MR. MISTOFFELEES HEAD AS I BARE HIS KITTENS!" Said Yellow in an attempt to catch Pink off guard.

"Wow…. didn't know you're a furfag Yellow!" Said Pink.

Having had enough, Yellow roared "THEN YIFF ON THIS!"

Pink dodged Yellow's punches while grabbing her arm and breaking it. Enraged, Yellow then tried to fire a shot at Pink but she deflected it back at Yellow's remaining arm. Going on the offensive, Pink knocked Yellow on the ground. As Yellow tried to use her giraffe neck to call for help, Pink anticipated this, did a hop-scotch move, jumped up in the air and curb-stomped her.

"MY DIAMOND!" Screamed Yellow Pearl.

"Whew! That was fun! But still… no point letting both of you go to waste….. I KNOW!" Said Pink as she resurrected Yellow and Blue.

As she brought them back, Pink wanted to make them her submissive followers. So she wrapped a blood-drenched cloth around Blue's empty eye sockets but gave her great hearing while she tried to fix Yellow's face. Since Pink Diamond didn't know the first thing about medicine, she decided to scramble Yellow Diamond's facial structure and add medical staples in place. With Pink's work done, Yellow and Blue looked like two lab experiments gone horribly wrong. Pink also took away their independence and made them her loyal, stupefied body guards.

"Excellent, now just one more thing!" Said Pink as she snapped her fingers.

Just then numerous Pink Pearls came bolting into the ship, some even crawled on the walls and ceiling. The Blue and Yellow defenders made their stand, but were of no consequence as the attackers flung themselves onto their prey and attacked them with unmatched savagery. As the bodies piled up, the main Yellow Pearl and main Blue Pearl fled to an escape pod and jettisoned. Several Pink Pearls noticed this but their master called them back. As the massacre concluded, Pink ordered her personal Pearl, it's left eye cracked, to come forward.

"My Diamond?" Asked the Pearl with a broken eye.

"Have our healers revive any of our losses. Then collect the fallen defenders, bring them to our labs so they can be augmented, revived and converted to our cause!" Said Pink with an evil laugh.

"Yes my Diamond, but what of this ship?" Asked Pink Pearl.

"Sadly it's FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) and the radiation has ruined any market value. Once we've left this ship, destroy it with our big guns. I don't want a single scrap ending up in anyone's hands, INCINERATE IT." Ordered Pink.

"Yes my Diamond." Said Pearl.

(Phone rings)

"One Second (answers) Pink here, (listens) here let me put this on the screen." Said Pink as she pushes a button that creates a hologram of a dangerous individual, Gold Mask.

"Greetings Pink." Said Gold Mask.

"Sup?" Asked Pink.

"I have captured Rose and her husband." Said the figure.

"OMG THAT IS AWESOME!" Said Pink as she danced up and down.

"Not so fast, remember our agreement?" Asked The figure.

Pink stops and goes "Oh um…yeah I don't have that particular thang buuuuut….(takes her panties off, sniffs them lovingly as she eats them as if they're edible and lifts her skirt up showing her cunt) …how about I give you a free fuck….?"

(Points loaded gun at Rose's head) "THE ONLY FUCK I CARE ABOUT AT THIS MOMENT IS WHAT'S OWED TO ME!" Roared the figure.

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING HARD TO DEAL WITH! (rips her skirt off, throws it on the ground and stomps up and down on it with both feet like a spoiled slut) I WANT ROSE RIGHT FUCKING NOW! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS?! YOU LOVE BITCH-HOODS! INCLUDING MY OWN! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU PREFER SHOTA, YAOI AND FUTA?!" Roared Pink as she pointed her hands to her bare pussy.

The figure cocks his gun at a gagged, teary Rose's head.

"Uh I mean…that or bitch-hood? Sorry I was just curious is all." Said a calmed down Pink.

"As lovely as your bitch-hood is, the tool I require will benefit both of us." Said the figure.

"Oh….how?" Asked Pink, not even bothering/caring to cover her ass or pussy up.

"The tool I, we desire….will secure our rightful place." Said the Figure.

"Wait….OUR place?" Asked Pink.

"Yes…..you and me." Said the Figure.

"Well….okay….. but where?" Asked Pink.

"The Universe Babe." Said the figure.

"Oh! But hold on….I thought you're a Mortal?" Asked Pink.

"Mortal…..(chuckles) Babe, observe." Said the figure as he raised his left finger in the air.

Immediately an earthquake, volcanic eruption, and tsunami, each one hitting a different country in the far east occurred at the same time. In the span of ten minutes, 100,000's of lives had been lost and countless more ruined as they mourned, buried and in some cases joined their dead.

Word's failed to describe Steven and Lapis' thoughts and reactions: Numerous innocent people killed by disasters, family members mourning their deaths, and countless more dealing with loss and survivor's guilt. While decent human beings would see this as a disaster of unspeakable/evil proportions, Pink was turned on more than ever.

"Suffering…. It… makes my pussy wet. Thanks….Mortal?" Cooed Pink.

"…I'm anything but a fucking MORTAL. (sigh) Here, hopefully this will convince you." Said the figure with the Golden Dragon mask as despite wearing a mask of a golden dragon with an open mouth with black breathable silk, slithered a long, serpentine, demonic, evil tongue, with more teeth than a Xenomorph's. It lapped the screen and phased though the solid device and on the other side of the call, slid his tongue up Pink's evil vag and did his work. Pink was high as a kite and moaned in orgasmic bliss as things that would kill or torment others only caused her sexual power, thrill and entertainment. Once finished, the figure recalled his tongue.

"Same page then, m' lady?" Asked the figure.

Pink nodded dumbfoundedly, unable to speak.

"Excellent, now….find the pen." Said the Figure.

"Ab…..solutely!" Said Pink in between breaths as she saluted.

The figure signed off, Pink with her forces left, the drone retreated and flew back to its satellite, using the explosion from Pink's ships' battery barrage to cover its tracks back home.

As the video closes, everyone in the room is silent. The only noises are the breaking news bulletins from across the world on both sides. A new evil has arisen and has made his mark known. Steven however clenched his fist.

"Steven?" Asked Lapis.

Despite his rage, Steven regained his cool and regarding the bad guys said, "Let's fuck their shit up!"

Lapis ran over and kissed his cheek, Trump started making calls for the trip, Pence reassured our heroes the trip would be okay, Peridot and Pumpkin were at Steven's side since their puppies had been kidnapped as well.

"Woof! We'll tear out the bastards' throats who stole your parents and our puppies! MUTHAFUCKING WOOF!" Barked Peridot.

Steven Hugged Lapis, Peridot and Pumpkin as he said "Game On….Game….FUCKING ON!"

A/N: Hey everyone, sorry I haven't uploaded for 2 months but after numerous delays and other unnecessary shit I went through these last two months, I'm back for real this time, no bullshit. First, I want to thank everyone who has been there for me and continues to support my work. Whether it be Lapen 1, 2 or any of my other works I truly appreciate every one of you guys. I can't give an accurate time to when I can upload a chapter due to my work schedule, but I want you all to know that Steven and Lapis' journey has truly started.

They will face obstacles, monsters, enemies, stuff between each other, but don't worry: LAPEN HAS RETURNED!

Again, thank you all for your patience.

Also, what is The Pen you might ask? Stay tuned to find out!

\- LapisDidNothingWrong101.


	5. Chapter 5: Business Trip

A/N: Hey guys here's the next exciting chapter!

Chapter 5: Business Trip

*AREA 51 Hanger*

Numerous guards and scientists are moving around and getting things set up.

"Um Mr. Pence, what is this _Pen _Pink was referring to?" Asked Steven.

The Vice President pushed a keypad which reveals a monitor and a rotating pen.

"While writing her show, Rebecca Sugar knew she needed more than pleasing producers' genitals in order to air it, so she used magic pens. As the show continued, she stored them on Homeworld for safe keeping. In the event that her show be hijacked by someone else, she would return and use a pen to retcon any changes. But with the nuclear strike, her vast collection of pens was destroyed. Using our satellites, we've managed to pinpoint a pen that survived the destruction. Our sources say this is the last one in existence." Said Pence.

"So that explains why Rebecca Sugar lost power back in chapter 1, any leads on her?" Asked Lapis.

"Well no, like the Golden Dragon Masked figure, she's been hard to find, along with her boyfriend Ian." Said Pence.

"Okay." Said Lapis.

"Also, here's your team." Said Pence.

Just then Lars, Sadie and The Off Colors show up, Steven runs up and bro hugs Lars.

"LARS IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK!" Said Steven.

"ANYTIME OLD PAL!" Said Lars.

"But wait, what about our children?" Asked Lapis.

"Your kids will be safe in the White House." Said Trump.

"WOW!" Steven and Lapis said in unison.

*Barn*

"But Mom and Dad, why do you get to go into space and not us?" Asked Grace.

"Yeah why not us?" Added Steven Jr.

"Because it's a business trip." Said Lapis.

"But when will you be back?" Asked Steven Jr.

"About a week." Said Steven.

"In the meantime you get to stay at the White House with the President." Said Lapis.

"Yup they have a movie theatre, bowling alley and even games!" Steven told them all excited.

The twins leapt with joy.

"But wait, our teacher at school says President Trump is the devil and hates children." Said Grace.

Steven then says, **"Your teachers' a snot-nosed hippie liberal."**

"STEVEN NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!" Said Lapis.

"What? We're not the ones who drive an electric car with animal rights bumper stickers or believe we should have open borders for anyone to cross without a background check." Said Steven referring to their kid's teacher at school.

"Fair point." Said Lapis.

With that, Steven and Lapis bid their kids farewell as President Trump's limousine picks Grace and Steven Jr. up. As their kids depart, Steven and Lapis already miss them but deep down know they have a job to do. Garnet, Amethyst, Clod and Pumpkin would go on to look for Steven's Parents.

*Ship*

Steven, Lapis and their team board their huge ship and depart. The vessel has numerous weapons, a huge shield and living accommodations.

Upon reaching the armory, there's a message on the door reading "It is dangerous to go alone, take this." As the door opens, Lapis and Steven's eyes light up as the Zelda important item noise plays. Numerous weapons are neatly organized and maintained. Shotguns, Super Shotguns, Chainsaws, Plasma rifles and much more. And at the center of the weapons stockpile, was the coveted BFG.

"Bio-Force-Gun?" Asked Fluorite.

The gang then had angry expressions and glared at Fluorite.

"**BIG…FUCKING…..GUN."** The rest of the group corrected.

"…Sorry." Fluorite apologized.

Our heroes then have dinner with Lars, Sadie and the crew. Everyone takes turns introducing themselves while also explaining some of their skills. As the conversation changes course, the dreaded film _Doom: Annihilation_ is brought up. Everyone gives their disdain for the shitty adaptation…well…except for Fluorite.

"Actually, I thought it did a great job portraying a strong independent woman instead of some toxic masculine _Doomguy._" Fluorite said all smug.

Lapis and Steven nearly choke on their drinks, the Rutile Twins drop their forks, Padparadscha sobs her eye out in Rhodonite's arms (who's also crying) Sadie is horrified and Lars enraged.

"**FOR FUCK'S SAKE FLUORITE HOW DARE YOU COMMIT BLASPHEMY AGAINST DOOMGUY! TAKE YOU STUPID, ALICE-IN-WONDERLAND-ACID-TRIP-LOOKING-FACE, THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!"** Lars roared.

"WAAAAAAAAAA!" Fluorite ran to the bathroom, sobbing like a bitch.

A/N: Fuck Doom: Annihilation…no seriously fuck Doom: Annihilation. Fuck the fact Amy Manson made a tweet bashing Doomguy, fuck Universal for making this film, also fuck that they made this film so their rights wouldn't expire, fuck the fact it's worse than the 2005 film (which also fucking sucked), fuck the inaccurate weapons, fuck that there's no Cyberdemon, fuck the Feminazis that defend this estrogen-loaded-trash-fire of a film, fuck everyone involved in making this fucking piece of shit movie while slapping the DOOM name on the cover, and fuck the fact this rant has nothing to do with the story at hand but I still needed to vent my frustration! But seriously, fuck this stupid fucking film. Anyway, rant over.

*Later*

"Well?" Asked Lars.

"I'm sorry." Said Fluorite.

"Good, now go write _"Doom: Annihilation is poopy feminazi diapers."_ 100 times on the conference room's dry erase board." Said Lars.

"Okay." Said Fluorite who went and did just that.

Lars turns around and faces the gang.

"Hey guys sorry you had to see that." Said Lars.

"No worries." Said Lapis.

"Yeah she took Doomguy's name in vain." Added Steven.

"Attention everyone, we are approaching the coordinates for the Homeworld landmass." Said

Padparadscha.

"Thanks Pad!" Said Steven.

A/N: I'm going to call her Pad since I don't want type "Padparadscha" over and over again. Fuck that shit.

*Homeworld landmass*

As the ship touches down, the area is littered with ruins and shattered gems. Despite the area having the least amount of radiation, our heroes still wear hazmat space suits. Although each suit offers the same protection, Lapis' was a bit different: it complimented her milf figure, boobs, ass and even her groin, showing she had a camel toe.

"Okay team, our objective is several blocks away, we should be able to (notices Steven staring at her crotch while breathing heavily) **Steven you can stare at my camel toe all you want after the mission."** Said Lapis.

"Sorry." Steven apologized, and led the way.

Despite his balls going code blue, Steven needed to stay focused: for his country, his president, parents, friends and even his wife Lapis along with their two kids. Steven and Lapis could plow later, he had a job to do. Maybe he could find a bathroom stall and…..

"Hey guys, I hear that the radiation could make a person's pee-pee hurt!" Said Pad.

"_All the sudden, blue balls don't sound bad."_ Steven thought to himself.

Unbeknownst to Steven, Lapis was feeling the same, her suit was tight, especially at her crotch. Every step she took just rubbed it more and more. She was thinking of old people feet to keep herself from getting aroused. Seeing Steven reminded Lapis to keep going, but all she wanted was to gush.

"_When I get my hands on the asshole who designed my suit….POW!…right in the balls."_ Lapis thought to herself.

After 20 minutes of looking, our heroes find themselves standing in front of a facility door. What's striking though, is it has a huge gash that runs diagonally, as if someone of something sliced right through it.

Using the scanner, the group pinpoints the pen inside the facility and venture inside.

"This is odd." Said Steven.

"What's odd?" Asked Lapis.

"These gems weren't shattered, but sliced." Said Steven as he inspected a sliced gem.

"Who would do such a thing?" Asked Lapis.

"Couldn't have been Bismuth since she's back home, and it couldn't have been Pearl." Steven said with a shudder and a flashback of when Pearl had him by the….. "**HEY CAN WE NOT BRING THAT PART UP?!** (part isn't brought up) Thanks." Said Steven

Just then a laugh is heard causing the team to point their weapons in the direction it came from but find there's nothing there.

"Who's there?" Asked Steven.

A loud cackle echoes throughout the facility, "Oh Pink it's been far too long!"

Steven then says "Pink? No I'm not Pink…..."

"**DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME PINK!"** Roared the voice.

"That's it! Show yourself!" Said Steven.

As he says this, a demented looking Gem jumps from the ceiling, landing right behind Steven and Lapis. Before they could shoot, the new Gem started using her stretchy limbs to flail the group around while singing her song _"Other Friends."_

While this is going on, Pad sees a tack on the floor and flings it into the new gem's path whom proceeds to step on it. Now Pad can't really see into the future but still managed to pull off a sweet move that saved her friends.

Sensing the pain, the new Gem drops our heroes, rolls on the floor, holds onto her foot and cries. Steven and friends tie their captive up with its own limbs.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR PINK!" Roared the captive gem.

"For the last time I'm not Pink, I'm Steven!" Said the half Gem.

"Who are you anyway?" Asked Lapis.

"Wouldn't you like to know? **BITCH!**" Said the angry Gem.

Hearing this causes Lapis to raise her gun at the bendy gem but Steven stops her before turning his attention back to his prisoner.

"She asked you a question." Said Steven.

(Sigh) "Spinel…..its Spinel." Pouted the captive.

"Good." Said Steven.

"Hey Steven we found the pen but its sealed in this container!" Said Lars as he exited a huge room filled.

"Awesome job Lars! What else was in there?" Asked Steven.

"Rule 34…..lots and lots…of rule 34." Said Lars.

"And the art is Sonichu quality." Added Sadie.

"Oh…..sorry you had to stumble across that." Said Steven.

"Yup, and most of it involves Lapis." Sadie blurted out.

"Wait….this I need to see." Said Lapis all concerned as she went into the room.

Upon seeing the contents, Lapis returned, her eyes filled with rage. What was once a happy-go-lucky Lapis was now, shocked, traumatized and vengeful.

"Steven, BFG please." Asked Lapis, fighting the urge to explode.

"…..Okay." Said Steven as he handed it to his woman, not wishing to experience Lapis' wrath.

Lapis kicked open the door and fired a huge BFG shot that destroyed everything in the room. What was once a stash of crude r34 (most consisted of Lapis in diapers and other unspeakable fetishes) was destroyed by the water gem and her fury.

The entire group looked in horror as she returned with Lars jumping into Sadie's arms.

Lapis walked up to Steven.

"Thanks Hun'." Said Lapis as she returned the BFG to her husband. She also gave him a BJ gesture.

"…anytime love…." Said Steven.

"Well (gets down from Sadie) now that we have the pen, Let's head back to the ship!" Said Lars.

"Awesome!" Said Steven, he couldn't wait for his bj from Lapis, her mouth and tongue always worked wonders on his cock and balls. Then again, everything about Lapis worked wonders on his cock and balls.

"Um Mr. Universe, what about Spinel?" Asked Pad.

"She comes with us." Said Steven.

*Ship*

Steven and his crew bring Spinel into the ship. While the tack was removed along with bandaging her foot, Spinel's limbs are still wrapped up, and she has a red ball gag in her mouth. (Probably from Lars and Sadie's room, they're into that kinky shit.)

"Hey Steven, I'm gonna slip into something better!" Said Lapis.

As the ship is prepping for takeoff, Steven heads to the control monitor and activates it.

"President Trump, we have the pen and have captured a Gem named Spinel!" Said Steven.

Trump responds with "Excellent work Steven! My sources say that Golden Dragon Mask is running out of hiding places. Once we find him, your parents will be…."

Just then the monitor glitches out, the ships lights flicker and the ship doesn't take off.

"President Trump, Hello?" Asked Steven.

Just then there's a red alert, the monitor comes back on but says "IMPEACHED!" accompanied by an Imperial Star Destroyer alarm.

"**WHAT THE FUCK?!"** Said Steven.

A/N: Hey guys, sorry that it's been a while but the next chapter won't take as long. I've been facing an increased workload at my job but am hoping to have the next chapter in a few weeks. The reason I cannot give a date is that I don't want to rush anything. Thank you all for understanding.


	6. Chapter 6: Teamwork

A/N: Hey everyone sorry for the 2 month hiatus, I hope everyone is okay and that Corona can fuck itself

Chapter 6: Teamwork

*Ship*

Despite the word IMPEACHED flashing as the alarms blow, Steven shuts the alarm off and tries to contact area 51, but is met by a scary looking old woman you'd find at the end of a scary maze game, this startling Steven.

Lapis walks in and asks "Steven what's going…?" but is also startled by the zombie woman in the monitor.

"Well, well, well if it isn't Steven and Laffy Universe." Said the old woman.

"That's Lapis Universe." Corrected Lapis.

The old hag glared but calmed down and said "Whatever, I believe we haven't been introduced, my name is Nancy Pelosi."

Steven and Lapis were no strangers to Pelosi's bullshit but remained calm.

"Pelosi, what's going on?" Asked Steven.

"Well, the president has been caught trying to get dirt on Joe Biden's son Hunter in Ukraine, so I assembled an impeachment trial against the president." Declared Pelosi.

"Okay, but why can't our ship take off?" Asked Steven.

"Simple, you're too dangerous." Said the speaker.

"Dangerous? We saved the world!" Said Lapis referring to the events of Lapen 1.

"And you were associated with Trump around the time he called the Ukrainian president." Said Pelosi.

"You saw us as the real justice our planet needs but in your eyes, that why Lapis and I are a danger to you." Said Steven.

"Yup! Also, it's a good thing I'm not there with you because scanners show a very large hostile force of gems, robots and other nasties heading your way! If only your ship was working you wouldn't be in this pickle!" Said Pelosi with a frown before bursting out with laughter.

"You're going to kill us?" Said Steven.

"Well no, those enemy gems will but by abandoning you to a preventable demise then yes…I am going to kill you!" Pelosi said with an evil cackle.

"Wait you can't do that, Steven and I have our children, Grace and Steven Jr!" Said Lapis.

"Child services will take good care of them, inner city orphanages can always use new kids." Pelosi gave a sadistic smile.

Steven and Lapis glared at the evil woman.

Pelosi then said, "Ah, ah, ah, no bad-talking a Politian you two, or it'll end up on your tombstones. Imagine: your retarded, bastard children all grown up, reunited after years of being separated by me, forced to grow up far away from each other, your son a smelly alcoholic and your daughter a disease-infested whore, cradling each other as they look at your vandalized grave, wishing that mommy and daddy had been there for them. Or at the very least, that Mommy had simply abort..."

"Pelosi, what are you doing?" Asked a concerned voice, who happened to be VP Mike Pence.

Pelosi replied with "Oh…. hello Pence. Sorry but you're too late, Trump will be impeached, Steven and Lapis will perish as I send their kids to inner city orphanages and….."

"You do realize that the president has been acquitted right?" Asked Pence.

"…. What?" Asked Pelosi.

"Yup, and not only has he been acquitted but he's also given a State of the Union, here's a copy of his speech." Said Pence as he gave it to her.

"Gimmie that!" Said Pelosi as she snatched the copy out of Pence's hand. Skimming through the bulk of it, Pelosi was infuriated that a whole year's worth of getting rid of Trump had failed.

"Also, even if Trump was removed from office, then I would be sworn in as president, and if you've had problems with Donald, you're gonna really hate me." Said Pence with a smile.

Pelosi rips up the speech and storms off. AOC is heard in the back ground asking "Did you get Orange Man impeached?" Pelosi responds with a loud "SHUT UP!" as they depart slamming the door.

"Wow….talk about a poor sport." Said Steven.

"True Dat." Said Lapis.

"Indeed." Added Pence.

"Anyway, Mike Pence, Lapis and I have the pen and would like to return home." Said Steven.

"Sorry Steven, even though Trump has been acquitted, the ships engines need to reboot. It will take half an hour." Said Pence.

"WHAT?!" Said everyone on board.

"Hear me out, hear me out. While the engines need time to start, the weapons system is still operational and the armory contains numerous weapons. Scanners show the threat will approach in 10 minutes, 1/3rd of the time needed for take-off. Set up a defensive position until the engines are ready, you have my support." Said Pence as he saluted and logged off.

"Well… at least we have a game plan." Said Steven.

Wasting no time Steven, Lapis and the crew took up defensive positions, the ship had several turbo cannons and a rocket launcher.

Steven and Lapis turn to their captive.

"Um..." asked Steven trying to remember his captive's name.

"Spinel." Said the captive.

"Okay Spinel, we'll unlock you but you must wear this SAW/Rachet and Clank: Deadlocked collar, if you so much as look at our asses the wrong way….BOOM." Warned Steven.

"Okay." Said Spinel.

Steven put the collar on Spinel and freed her.

As they finished, large hordes of mutant gems came forward, some even had pentagrams on their heads. And if that wasn't bad enough, a portal to Hell opened up causing Zombie Gunners, Imps and possessed scientists to show up.

"OPEN FIRE!" Said Steven while wielding a chain gun.

Round after round was fired at the mutant gems and demons. Despite being mutated, they still went down like cannon fodder along with their lesser demonic allies. What didn't go down like cannon fodder (or as easily as the first wave) were the Pinkies, Revenants, Hellknights, Cacodemons, Mancubi and Barons of Hell reinforcements.

The ship's main guns kept firing on the enemy as Steven popped round after round at a charging Hell Knight, killing it as it crashed just inches from him. Lapis fired her plasma rifle at a Revenant's jetpack, causing it to spiral up in the air, firing a bunch of rockets at its demonic allies before blowing up.

Sadie wields Akimbo Doom 3 machine guns and fills a group of Maggots with lead while Lars brings down a Mancubus with the Gause cannon.

The Twins kill several Lost Souls with assault rifles.

Spinel uses a Doom 64 chainsaw but with 3 saws instead of 2 and cuts a group of Pinkies to ribbons.

Rhondalite fires a 3 burst shot of a rocket launcher at a Hellknight killing the demon, then fires a shotgun grenade into the Cacodemon's mouth, stunning it, ripping it's eye out and killing it.

Caterpillar used Pistols, shotguns and a chainsaw to take down some Imps. (Which were already staggered) As the battle wore down, Caterpillar asked "Is that all you got?!"

Just then a lone Doom Eternal Archville showed up with 2 summoners. The Archville reanimated the previously killed enemies while the 2 Summoners brought in several more demons. Steven, Lapis and the rest of the team glared at Caterpillar for jinxing the situation.

At that moment a huge, green energy ball hits Caterpillar center mass poofing her and sending others off their feet. As Lapis was recovering, a huge Doom 2016 Baron of Hell grabs her.

Seeing this, Steven grabs Caterpillar's chainsaw, slides, saws through the Baron's legs from behind causing the demon to fall on its back. Then Steven cuts through its mouth horizontally, severing the top of its skull like in Doom 2016. Having slain the demon, Steven rescues Lapis.

"Lapis are you okay?" Asked Steven.

"Yes….but this suit is….is…." Lapis tried to explain.

Just then the portal increased in size, and from said portal emerged something really big: a 2016 Cyberdemon ready for battle. It let out a deafening roar, and boosted morale of several other Demons. And if that wasn't bad enough, a Spidermastermind also emerged.

"Shit! Now what are we gonna do?!" Asked Lars, as everyone was low on ammunition.

With the stress, Cyberdemon, and uncomfortable bottoms, Lapis had enough.

"THAT'S FUCKING IT!" Lapis Roared.

The Blue Gem got up, marched over to the Cyberdemon, ripped her bottoms off and proceeded to fire a gigantic Gush from her vagina that sent the Cyberdemon flying back into the portal. Half blinded by gush, the Cyberdemon accidentally fired a shot at the Mastermind, lobotomizing it. The Spider then fired its rounds at numerous other Demons before dying.

Enraged, a Cyber Mancubus and several other Mancubi aimed at Lapis before being mowed down by a weaker gush.

Sensing defeat, The Archville and 2 summoners tried to fight but Lapis' 3rd and final weak gush was still strong enough to kill both Summoners and send the Archville flying into a lead pipe, impaling it.

Lapis turned around to Steven, smiled seductively and smacked her ass cheek before fainting.

"LAPIS!" Said Steven as he ran and cradled his woman.

Using the last of its strength, the Archvile summoned a battalion of Demons and then died.

As numerous Demons were about to charge, Orange Saph whipped up a BFG and fired a huge shot at the demonic horde, killing them all. Then she fired a shot at the portal sealing it for good and a final shot at a feminist statue for good measure.

Everyone thanks the little Saph.

Steven carries Lapis aboard as everyone else regroups.

A/N: I lowered the radiation to pull that scene off.

Onboard, Steven takes Lapis to their room, strips off the rest of her suit and lays his wife on their bed. As Steven is about to bring her some clothes, Lapis grabs his arm and tells him that she'd prefer to be nude. Steven then assures Lapis he'll join her after making a call to VP Pence. She smiles, kisses her husband and relaxes naked. Steven admired her perfect figure: D-cup breasts, nice dark nipples, toned stomach, huge clit and moist pussy lips, with some neatly trimmed pubic hair on top. Seeing Lapis' pussy go through so much pent up stress, he gently gives her vag and clit a single brush from his hand. Lapis smiles in her sleep, Steven sniffs his fingers then heads to talk with Pence.

"Hey Steven I got this." Said Lars.

"Okay!" Said Steven.

At that moment, Steven spooned Lapis.

"Hey Lapis, wanna know the best weapon on the battlefield today?" Asked Steven.

"I dunno which one?" Asked Lapis.

"This one." Said Steven as he fingered her Vagina.

"Mmmm thanks Steven." Lapis Said as se kissed Steven.

Spent from the battle, Lapis and Steven have some fun and then sleep naked.

A/N: Hey guys sorry for the long wait. I had to take 2 business trips for my job and had to deal with personal things. I'm alive and well, and am going to continue writing. I hope everyone is safe from Corona Virus.


	7. Chapter 7: Quarantine

A/N: Hey guys as Steven and Lapis make their way back home, I decided this chapter should focus on the villains. Also since everyone is dealing with the epidemic, this will in no way shape or form mock what is going on. As of now, Corona has claimed over 500,000 people. Please wear your masks, keep social distancing, use hand sanitizer and stay safe.

Chapter 7: Quarantine

As Steven and Lapis cuddle naked in their room onboard the ship, their enemies are still at work.

(Secret base)

On Earth, a deadly virus named Covvid 19 or "Corona" as it's more commonly called, erupted from China thanks to its dumbass dictator Xi Jinping, and proceeded to spread throughout the world.

In an effort to curb The Corona Virus, numerous establishments have been closed with quarantine. As a result, countless events had been cancelled and they range from important events like attending religious services to lesser things like PETA CEO Ingrid Newkirk's stupid book tour for her shitty-ass, Militant book that nobody wants to read.

While the law is focused on stopping the virus, it allows our villains to continue their plans under the radar. Despite being relatively safe in their secret base, things like boredom, isolation and borderline cabin fever was starting to get to them. Jasper and the other baddies are playing a game of gold fish since it was the only card game they actually knew how to play. And since gambling was illegal on Homeworld before getting Nuked to Unholy Hell, this made it harder for them to learn card games.

"Ugh it's been over 3 months since the last chapter, that's ¼ of a year, WHAT'S TAKING SO FUCKING LONG?!" Barked Jasper.

(Sigh) "Calm your man tits Jasper, until we get the "okay" from Dragon Mask, we gotta stay put." Said Aquamarine as she adjusted her eyepatch.

"She's got a point Jasper, these are shitty-ass times: I no longer have The Vikings, Sapphire's wand is still broken, Topaz is scared of cars after being treated like a crash test dummy and your balls still need time to regenerate. Do you want to risk all of that?" Asked Connie.

"Nope." Jasper pouted like a bitch while crossing her legs, she couldn't wait for her balls to heal..

"I thought so, oops looks like Stag got another score, better strip." Said Connie as she removed her top and freed her boobs in an effort to spice things up.

"Connie if you strip then we all have to strip." Said Jasper, rubbing her temple.

Everyone else groaned then stripped as well, clearly aggravated at Connie.

"…sorry…..(looks at Topaz) Uh Topaz are you okay?" Asked Connie.

"OH I UH YEAH CONNIE LETS PLAY WITH YOUR FISH I MEAN GOLDFISH!" Rebounded a blushing Topaz.

"Uh okay then." Said Connie.

As our villains sit around the table like the hosts from The View, The Stag ends up winning another game.

"Good job Sweetie you won again!" Said Aquamarine as she kissed her Stag on his lips.

"Wait a minute." Said Jasper as she/he looked at Stag's collar, put her fingers inside, and pulled out several cards.

"Oh shit." Said Aquamarine.

"AH HA! I KNEW IT! YOU'VE BEEN SLIPPING CARDS INTO STAG'S COLLAR SO HE COULD WIN!" Said Jasper.

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE JASPER CAN'T YOU HAVE A BIT MORE COMPASSION FOR THE PLIGHT OF ANIMALS?!" Said Aquamarine.

"REALLY?! YOU'RE PULLING THE TREE FUCKER CARD?!" Asked Jasper.

"TREEHUGGER!" Corrected Aquamarine.

"OH PLEASE THE ONLY REASON YOU BECAME A MILITANT VEGTARD IS BECAUSE STAG WAS THE ONLY DICK YOU COULD GET!" Said Jasper.

"STAG IS LOVING, COMPASSIONATE AND KNOWS HOW TO TREAT ME RIGHT!" Barked Aquamarine.

"GOOD ABD ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SINK TO BEASTIALITY LIKE THE CLOSETED LITTLE FURRY FUCK THAT YOU ARE!" Roared Jasper.

"Uh guys?" Said Connie.

"AT LEAST HE'S _BIGGER_ THAN YOU!" Spat Aquamarine.

"Listen." Said Connie.

"BETTER TO BE A BIT SMALLER IN THE GUTTER THAN BEING A FUCKING FURFAG LIKE YOU!" Said Jasper

"Please." Said Connie.

"Guys Connie is trying to…" Topaz tries to help Connie.

"GGGGGuy's, Connie's trying to say something!" Aqua mimicked.

"HONK!" Went Stag.

"Ahem." Said a voice and it was Dragon Mask.

Everyone stands at attention.

"I know times are hard, but patience is s virtue." Said Dragon Mask.

"Uh hey Dragon Mask, since you could cause those horrific disasters back in

Chapter 4, could you stop Corona virus?" Asked Jasper.

"I would but that's Jinping's mess, outside my control." Answered Dragon Mask.

"But this has been the longest hiatus ever!" Bitched Jasper.

"Look up the number and length of each _Steven Universe_ hiatus and you'll bitch a different tune." Said Dragon Mask.

"Fair point." Jasper pouted.

"Now, as we sit here in quarantine, Pink will find Steven and the pen, with it I can alter reality however I see fit." Said Mask as he pulled up a monitor to Pink's ship.

(Space, Pink's ship.)

"UUUUGHGH! Where the fuck is Steven?!" Roared Pink as she trashed a room like Steve-O would during his early years.

"Ahem." Dragon Mask cleated his throat.

"Oh hey Sweetie!" Said Pink.

"Trouble finding Steven?" Asked Dragon Mask.

"You can say that again, finding him is like trying to find Carole Baskin's dead husband." Said Pink.

"Well keep looking Pink."

"I've tried baby I have but it's no use, I need damn guide." Bitched Pink.

"No worries my Dear, I have a plan." Said Dragon Mask.

(Area 51)

"Prisoner number 1933 is ready for transport." Said one of the guards as the wrapped up inmate is loaded onto the secure truck and leaves Area 51.

Having shape-shifted into flies, Jasper and her Gang fly through the transport truck's open window, reform, kick the drivers out, and speed off.

Upon returning to the base, the truck doors are opened, and it's inmate brought out. Once the mask and straight jacket are removed, it's revealed to be Pearl. What's striking is that she has deteriorated even worse since chapter 4. She is hunching, missing teeth, her gem dirty and wrote "Rose" all over her body in black sharpie marker. Pearl could actually pass for a meth head.

"We wannnntzzzz The Rose, We NEEEDSSZ THE ROSE!" Said Pearl with a Gollum/Sméagol voice and posture.

"Wait you're using…..her?" Asked a puzzled Pink.

"With her nose, she'll sniff em out like a blood hound on a bunny trail." Said Dragon Mask.

"Interesting, hey Pearl, if you help, I'll let you play with me." Asked Pink seductively as she removes her clothes.

Pearl then freaks out like SCP 096 after having its face looked at but instead of chasing Pink, Pearl just goes apeshit.

"AAAAAAH IT BUUUUURNS US! IT FREEZES US! GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Pearl screamed as she rolled on the ground convulsing.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Asked Pink as she got her clothes back on.

"PEARL LOVES FAT BITCHES! STUPID, SLUTTY, SCRAWNY, PINK! SHE RUINS IT!" Lamented Pearl.

Pink was about to teleport and tan Pearl's ass all pimp style when Dragon Mask intervened.

"Pearl, bring us Steven with the pen, and we'll give you Rose." Said Dragon Mask.

"Yes we helps you find Steven….(changes demeanor) and Kill Steven (changes) no not Master Steven….(changes) They will cheat you, hurt you and lie! (changes) but Steven is our friend…(change) you don't have any friends, nobody likes you! (changes) I'm not Listening…(changes) M-U-R-D-E-R-E-R…..(changes)…..we wants the Rose…." Said Pearl.

"And you will, complete this task, then you can have your Precious Rose." Said Dragon Mask.

"Yes Master Dragon Mask! Pearl knows the way! Pearl is freeee!" Said Pearl as she scrambles, throws a bunch of junk together into a makeshift, shitty rocket near a huge door, gets on top, pulls the ignition, but the rocket falls apart.

"…..Ouchies….." Said Pearl as she crawled out of the junk.

"Uh….maybe you should use the warp pad." Said Dragon Mask.

"Okay…..we…..will…" Said Pearl as she crawled to the warp pad and teleported to Pink's ship.

(Pink's ship)

Pink is sitting on her throne with mind broken Yellow and Blue Diamond as Pearl crawls to them.

"Well Pearl (tosses a plastic bag with a Steven hair strand on it to Pearl) care to pinpoint Steven's location?" Asked Pink.

Pearl sniffs the hair strand and has flashbacks of Steven then smiles.

"Master Steven is this way!" Pearl Said with glee.

"Daw you are just the sweetest little Judas my little Quisling! Benedict Arnold would be so proud!" Said Pink with an evil laugh.

Several doors opened up revealing all the brainwashed/reborn gem soldiers standing at attention. They look demonic, deadly and ready to kill anything that moves. They all kneel to Pink Diamond as she continues to laugh maniacally. Pearl is smiling like a dog that found a bone, Yellow and Blue hug and smile and the Gem soldiers cheer. The only one not cheering was….Pink Pearl.

"I lost my Diamond…..and now…..my friends." She thought to herself.

At that moment, the large vessel resumed its hunt, and with Pearl leading the way, towards our heroes Steven and Lapis.

A/N: Again sorry for the wait.


End file.
